


Time Goes By

by DAZzle_10



Category: Rugby RPF, Rugby Union RPF
Genre: Multi, Past Infidelity, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 03:30:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20039197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAZzle_10/pseuds/DAZzle_10
Summary: Beauden never meant to get to this point. That doesn't mean he has any idea of how to step back, however. It doesn't mean he can change what happened in the past.(Beauden told everyone why he was moving to the Blues. Family Reasons. It's just that those 'family reasons' aren't the reasons he's led everyone - including his wife - to believe.)





	Time Goes By

**Author's Note:**

> So... A bit different to what I normally right, I guess? In the sense that this is a) very different people in a very different location and b) mixing real relationships with fictional ones. Hope it goes alright, I guess...? And that I haven't made a complete mess of what little Kiwi slang I've dared to include...?
> 
> I have to be honest, I am a little cut up about Beaudy leaving Canes. Just a bit. Got to respect his reasons, though, and I wouldn't say no to seeing one or two 'little Beaudy's around!
> 
> And in other news, I am officially ahead of schedule for the holidays! I mean, it's an achievement for me to even have a schedule (and I created it all by myself, which is a depth of achievement that I don't know how to express, because I'm the sort of incredibly disorganised where I was still learning the content of a GCSE course the evening before the second exam...), but to be fair, when someone DOES give me a time plan to do something, you'd be hard pressed not to find me doing my level best to get ahead, so... Yay!
> 
> Title is from 'Stuck' by Imagine Dragons, a song which I absolutely love at the moment and think fits quite well with the piece.

Beauden knows he shouldn’t be looking at it.

Really, he shouldn’t have it in the first place. It represents a betrayal, a series of broken promises.

Certainly, he shouldn’t have kept it. It’s a memento of times long past, a reminder of everything he’s lost.

He won’t get rid of it, though. Hannah trusts him – more than she should, given what he’s done, what he’s kept from her – and she won’t go looking through his phone, will never see this photo. There’s no inherent risk in keeping it, and he can’t imagine not having it, this one simple image to cling to when his own wife doesn’t seem enough for him.

Now that he’s leaving Hurricanes – he couldn’t handle how raw everything was with them, how achingly obvious the absence was – it’s one of the last remnants of Brad he has left.

Staring at his phone screen now, he can feel the phantom brush of cracked lips – wetted with alcohol on the second day of an end-of-season party – against his cheek, stretched with a beam of his own which, he thinks, gives away the depth of his feelings a little too clearly. He still remembers Brad’s arm around his waist, pulling him in close, the solid planes of Brad’s chest and abs a support on which to hold himself up – a support which he didn’t think would ever fail him.

No, he shouldn’t be looking at it, but he’ll keep staring for a while longer, just for a faint echo of the happiness he used to feel in Brad’s company, the warmth and security Brad’s arms would offer. He should have that with Hannah – and he does. It’s just… different. Good-different, but it doesn’t quite fill the hole in his chest, and it scares him that maybe it never will. That he’ll never be able to look at Hannah and not want more from her, things that she can’t give him and that he shouldn’t expect from her – doesn’t expect from her, because he knows it’s unreasonable.

When he closes his eyes, now, he can conjure Brad’s crooked smile, as clear as ever, before him, can hear the bright laughter and sarcastic commentary that Brad used to offer. He hates himself for it, hates that, even when Brad is on the other side of the world, he can’t keep himself faithful, can’t stop his thoughts from wandering.

Brad did the right thing in leaving; Brad was strong enough to admit aloud that what they were doing was wrong, that it needed to stop and, if they couldn’t hold themselves back when they were with each other, they’d just have to stay away. Beauden wishes he was strong enough, too, wishes he could shut down his feelings and leave what they had behind, but at the time, it was all he could do not to break down in tears as he begged Brad not to go, and almost a year later, he hasn’t managed to put it behind himself. Maybe it doesn’t help that when Brad came to stay with him for a little while, they fell right back into it, and maybe it’s all made more difficult by the knowledge that Brad cared at least enough to leave Beauden a shirt, England kit or not; it doesn’t matter, because Beauden should be able to step back.

There shouldn’t, truthfully, be anything to step back from.

A knock on his door has him dropping his phone to the mattress beside himself, screen darkening to black as he scrubs the thoughts of Brad from his mind in similar fashion and stands to let his visitor in – visitors, he corrects himself a moment later, blinking in surprise at TJ and Dane.

“Evening, bro,” TJ claps him on the shoulder, not waiting to be invited in – Beauden dreads the day that they’ll be so formal with each other, hopes it won’t come as a result of his move – and Dane follows slightly more awkwardly, clearly still a little prickly, despite both of their best efforts to move past it and the few extra days of warning Beauden gave him and TJ compared to the rest of the team. “Me and Colesy just wanted a chat, if that’s alright?”

Nodding, Beauden closes the door and settles himself on his bed once more, glad that Richie – whom he’s found himself sharing with again – isn’t around right now.

“We wanted to talk about you leaving Canes,” TJ adds when he and Dane are settled, and Beauden stiffens, all too aware of his phone resting beside him on the mattress, the photo it stores currently burned into his retina.

He’s not sure they could have timed this worse. Not that this is really bad timing, because they probably could have come to him any day of the last week, and he’d have been sat staring at that picture.

“Look,” he starts carefully, not entirely sure what he wants to say but aware that he has to get something out, “I –”

“Be honest with us, Cat,” Dane cuts him off, and he falls silent with a wary frown. “How much of you leaving is for the new challenge and Hannah, and how much is it to do with Brad?”

Completely blindsided, Beauden can only sit and blink for several seconds before he recovers himself, trying to ignore the way his heart is now pounding beneath his ribcage, his pulse roaring in his ears. TJ knew about him and Brad – Beauden could never keep a secret like that from his best friend, even if he could hide it from his own wife – but surely TJ wouldn’t have told Dane? This must just be a reference to their old, long-term teammate leaving or something, a suggestion that Beauden is leaving because it feels right to change the guard.

“I…” he bites his lip. “Brad left ages ago. What would that have to do with…?”

“You two were nowhere near as subtle as you thought,” TJ offers. “Colesy’s apparently known the whole time.”

Beauden feels his cheeks flush brilliantly with scalding blood even as he struggles for a response. Dane knows about him and Brad? About…

“Don’t look so shocked,” Dane scoffs, rolling his eyes. “There’s only so many times you can disappear off to toilets and come out grinning like loons. And one minute he’d be uninterested in something or other, next your name’s come up and he’s keen as.”

Closing his eyes on their sudden sting, Beauden swallows thickly and sucks in a deep breath, willing himself to grapple for composure for several seconds until his voice doesn’t shake when he speaks.

“You’re not going to tell anyone?” he asks carefully.

“No,” is Dane’s flat reply. “If you want to cheat on your wife, it’s your choice.”

“I’m not…” Beauden trails off for a second. “I’m not anymore.”

“No,” TJ agrees calmly, apparently in an attempt to restore calm and ease the tension. “You’re not.”

While Beauden appreciates that TJ tried, he doesn’t think it really worked; Dane doesn’t look in any way appeased, and Beauden finds himself struck horribly by the thought that he never will again – a thought which shouldn’t be at all painful, shouldn’t feel like the hole in his chest has just been ripped open and bared to the outside.

“We just want the truth,” TJ adds, far softer than Dane. “Is this because of everything you told the media, or is it because of Brad?”

For a moment, Beauden can only swallow, unable to think of anything to say and unsure of whether he’d be able to get it out if he tried.

“Hannah’s family lives there,” he attempts eventually, and deflates when TJ’s face falls, Dane’s frown deepening into a scowl; it’s the truth, but clearly not enough of the truth for them. “And Brad…”

He squeezes his eyes tightly shut as his throat tightens briefly, searching for something to say for when he has the emotional composure to actually get it out.

“He, ah…” he flounders desperately. “It’s not the same. Without him.”

That doesn’t even begin to encompass what Brad’s absence is like, but he thinks it will do – hopes it will do. He’s really not ready to talk about the raw pain each time he glances over to where he _knows_ Brad would be; the lost desolation every time he checks his phone automatically to see that he has no new texts from a man who hasn’t texted him in months; the sheer sense of shame and loneliness whenever Hannah asks if he’s going out with the boys, because he used to do it so much more often, even if ‘the boys’ was just what he told her instead of saying ‘Brad’.

To his relief, that seems to be enough for Dane, because the Hooker nods and stands, leaving without so much as another word. TJ remains, watching Beauden as the silence stretches on, and Beauden wishes his friend would leave so that he didn’t have to keep struggling for composure that he doesn’t really have.

“You miss him, bro?” TJ asks finally, and isn’t that fairly obvious?

Jerkily, Beauden nods, not trusting himself to speak.

“Have you spoken to him lately?”

A shake of the head, and TJ falls quiet once more, Beauden clasping his hands tightly together until the knuckles shine white; he holds it there, staring blankly at the stretched skin over stark bone, and focuses on stopping each exhale from shaking.

“Maybe you should give him a call.”

This time, Beauden can only offer a helpless shrug, because chances are that if he did, the conversation would be short and sharp and entirely reluctant on Brad’s end, if Brad even picked up at all. It would just make everything worse.

“You could call him now?” TJ offers. “He’d be awake.”

“Probably training,” Beauden mutters, relieved to find his voice thick, but not shaking, and finally manages to meet TJ’s eyes for the briefest of seconds before returning his gaze to the floor between them. “The England team wouldn’t take too kindly to me calling.”

TJ sighs. The quiet rush of air washes over Beauden, his eyes slipping closed once more, and he knows it probably seems like he’s being difficult, but he’s thought about this all before, already weighed up decisions and consequences in his mind many times over. Every evening brings the same temptation to call Brad, and every evening, he has to remind himself that it won’t go well, that it will just hurt him more in the long run.

“Do you reckon you’ll ever tell Hannah?” TJ breaks the quiet once more after a good minute.

“Do you think I should?” Beauden returns. “It’s over, now. It’d just hurt her more.”

TJ doesn’t reply, and Beauden doesn’t look up to read his face, not sure if he even wants to know his friend’s opinions on the matter. Blowing out a quiet breath, he shakes his head.

“Probably not,” he admits. “Not unless I thought she’d find out from someone else. If… If she’s going to hear it, it should be from me, but if not… What’s the point?”

“I guess,” TJ concedes, though he sounds dubious. “It’s your choice, isn’t it?”

Slowly, Beauden nods. Yes, it’s his choice. Honestly, he almost wishes it wasn’t, that it would be taken out of his hands and given to someone else to deal with, because he feels lost enough without Brad, never mind with this kind of choice resting on his shoulders.

Scrubbing a hand over his eyes, Beauden lifts his head.

“Can we… not talk about this?” he requests quietly. “I just…”

“Sure,” TJ nods acceptingly. “Just… I meant what I said. On Instagram. I’ve got your back.”

“Thanks,” Beauden manages, and it’s all he has time to get out before the door swings open to reveal Richie, everything else he’d wanted to say dying instantly on his tongue as the younger man glances between him and TJ.

“Evening, Richie,” TJ stands, reaching over to pat Beauden on the shoulder. “Good yarn, bro.”

And with that, their conversation – to Beauden’s relief – swept firmly under the rug as a simple chat, TJ is gone. Weakly, he forces a smile of his own for Richie, wondering internally how wrecked he must look, and although Richie’s brow creases, there is no ensuing comment. Slowly, Beauden reaches out for his phone, setting it next to his pillow so that he can stretch out on the mattress and fix his gaze blankly on the ceiling instead, all too aware that the atmosphere in the room is unusually awkward.

“Guess they’ve forgiven you, then?” Richie cracks an uncomfortable grin of his own, and Beauden shrugs half-heartedly, realising as he does so what sort of message that must give off.

“Nah, yeah, they’re good,” he clarifies, and then, because Richie doesn’t look entirely convinced, “TJ’s sweet; Colesy’s just taking some time.”

He must sound more disheartened about that than he meant to, because Richie offers him a sympathetic grimace.

“She’ll be right, Cuz. Give him time.”

Richie’s almost certainly right – about Beauden leaving Hurricanes, at least. Undoubtedly, Dane will take a lot longer to get over Beauden cheating, even if he has, as TJ said, known the whole time, and perhaps he never will forgive Beauden entirely. The Canes boys liked Hannah, he knows. Why wouldn’t they? She’s incredible.

Beauden just wishes that could be enough.

With a wordless noise of affirmation, he closes his eyes and – too tired to resist – lets the memories of Brad return: his laughter, his smile, his teasing; the gentle brush of his fingertips, the warmth of his hold; the comfort, the familiarity, the excitement of seeing each other each and every day. Until he can let them go entirely, he’ll cling to the meagre support they offer whenever he isn’t strong enough to be the husband Hannah deserves.


End file.
